Very Confusing!
Woman A : My Third husband looks like my First husband.
Woman B : How does your First husband looks like?
Woman A : He looks like my Third husband.
Woman B : ??
danielle
Paying the Bill
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, a pretty girl asked, "I want to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard, " replied the smirking male clerk.
"That's fine," replied the girl. "I'll take ten yards."
With expectation and anticipation written all over his face,the clerk hurriedly measured out and wrapped the cloth, thenheld it out teasingly.The girl snapped up the package and pointed to a little old man standing beside her.
"Grandpa will pay the bill," she smiled.
Acronyms and What They Mean
PCMCIA People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms
ISDN It Still Does Nothing
SCSI System Can't See It
DOS Defunct Operating System
BASIC Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control
IBM I Blame Microsoft
DEC Do Expect Cuts
CD-ROM Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months
OS/2 Obsolete Soon, Too.
WWW World Wide Wait
MACINTOSH Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs
In Love
A man sitting at the window one evening casually called to his wife, "There's that woman that the guy next door is in love with!"
His wife, in the kitchen, dropped the plate she was drying, ran into the living room, knocked over a vase, and looked out the window. "Where? Where?" she demanded.
"Right over there on the corner. The lady in the blue dress."
"You idiot! That's his wife!"
"Yes, I know," the husband grinned.
Off-Duty
An off-duty police officer, familiar with radar guns, drove through a school zone within the legal speed limit when the flash of a camera went off, taking a picture of his license plate.
The officer, thinking the radar was in error, drove by again even more slowly. Another flash. He did it again for a third time, at an even slower speed. Same result.
"This guy must have screwed up the settings," the off-duty officer thought.
A few weeks later, when he received the violations in the mail, he discovered three traffic tickets--each for not wearing a seat belt.
Honest Lawyer
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers.
"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
"Doctor, doctor, will i be able to play the
Violin after the operation?"
"Yes of course...."
"Great ! I never could before"
Teasers to send to your friends
Twinkle Twinkle little star
You should know what you are
And once you know what you are
Mental hospital is not so far.
God saw me hungry, he created pizza .
He saw me thirsty, he created pepsi .
He saw me in dark, he created light
He saw me without problems, He created YOU.
Car Needed
A young man comes home and says "Dad, just got my driver's license and would like to use the family car."
Father replies, :"O.K., son. But, first, you have to get good grades in school, keep your room clean, make the yard is neat, and cut your hair. Come back in a few months and then we'll see."
Well, several months pass and the young man comes into the house with his report card in his hand. "Dad, I got great marks on my report card. I've been keeping my room as neat as a pin, and the yard is always ship-shape. How about letting me use the car?"
Father replies, "That's all true, but son you didn't cut your hair."
Son says, "But, dad, Jesus had long hair."
Father replies, "Yes, son, you're perfectly right. And he walked everywhere he went."
Marketing
Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome. One
has a cross in front of him, the other one the Star of David.
Many people go by, look at both beggars, but only put money into
the hat of the beggar sitting behind the cross.
A priest comes by, stops and watches throngs of people giving
money to the beggar behind the cross, but none to the beggar
behind the Star of David.
Finally, the priest goes over to the beggar behind the Star of
David and says, "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a
Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People
aren't going to give you money if you sit there with a Star of
David in front of you, especially when you're sitting beside a
beggar who has a cross. He's going to get all the donations."
The beggar behind the Star of David listened to the priest,
turned to the other beggar with the cross and said, "Moishe,
look who's' trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about
marketing."
The Christian Bear
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods "What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly charging towards him.
He ran as fast as he could up the path. Looking over his shoulder he saw that the bear was closing in on him. His heart was pumping frantically and he tried to run even faster.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear raising his paw to take a swipe at him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God..."
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
It was then that a bright light shone down upon the man and a voice came out of the sky saying: "You deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps, could you make the bear a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out.
And the sounds of the forest resumed.
Then the bear lowered his paw, bowed his head and spoke: "Lord, bless this food which I am about to receive and for which I am truly thankful. Amen."
Posts
