Rajiv and Mona are flying to Australia for a two-week vacation to celebrate their 40th anniversary.
Suddenly, over the public address system, the Captain announces, " Ladies and Gentlemen, I am afraid I have some very bad news.
Our engines have ceased functioning and we will attempt an emergency landing. Luckily, I see an uncharted island below us and we should be able to land on the beach. However, the odds are that we may never be rescued and will have to live on the island for the rest of our lives!"
Thanks to the skill of the flight crew, the plane lands safely on the island.
An hour later Rajiv turns to his wife and asks, "Mona, did we pay our Rs 5lakh deposit cheque yet to Bank?"
" No, sweetheart," she responds.
Rajiv, still shaken from the crash landing, then asks, "Mona, did we pay our Bank Master card yet?"
"Oh no! I'm sorry. I forgot to send the cheque," she says.
"One last thing, Mona. Did you remember to send cheques for the auto loan to them too this month?" he asks.
"Oh, forgive me, Rajiv," begged Mona. "I didn't send that one, either."
Rajiv grabs her and gives her the biggest hug in 40 years. Mona pulls away and asks him, "So, why did you hug me?"
Rajiv answers, "They'll find us!!!!"
*******
Valuable Banking!!
I can't hear you..
Charlie was responsible for taking up the offerings at a local church. One Sunday, after the service, the priest counted the money and found there was less than anticipated, given the size of the congregation. He took Charlie aside and questioned him.
Charlie said that he did not take any of the offerings.
The priest questioned him again and again and Charlie continued to insist that he did not take any of the offerings. So, the priest told Charlie to get into the confessional, which he did.
The priest then asked him again, "Charlie, did you take any of the offering?" This time, Charlie replied, "I can't hear you."
The priest asked Charlie the same question several times and Charlie would always reply, "I can't hear you."
Finally, the priest yelled, "CHARLIE, DID YOU TAKE ANY OF THE OFFERING?"
Again, the reply was, "I can't hear you."
The priest was now beginning to get angry, so he came out of the confessional and said to Charlie, "Trade places with me and you can ask me a question."
So, they traded places and Charlie asked, "Is it true that you and my wife are having an affair?"
To which the priest replied, "By golly, you’re right, you can't hear in here!"
*******
सारी दुनिया सो जाती है, मैकश हम उठकर रोते हैं
किस तरह गुजरती हैं रातें, तुम क्या समझो, तुम क्या जानो
- मैकश
पहलू से दिल को लेके वो कहते हैं नाज से
क्या आएं घर में आप ही जब मेहरबां न हों
- मौलाना मुहम्मद अली जौहर
Car Operating System!!
Bill's company made software to run a car.
Bill was taking a test ride of the car. Suddenly a truck came from opposite side.
Bill pressed ctrl+b to apply brakes.
A pop-up window appeared asking, "Are you sure you really want to stop?"
Before Bill could enter "Yes", there was a crash and the car caught fire.
In panic Bill forgot the password to open the door.
He started shouting "F1! F1!" but there was no computer professional present there to understand his screams.
Then he tried to come out through the car window-pane.
A message appeared on the screen, "An illegal function is performed.
All the window-panes of the car will be closed." Poor Bill died.
Messengers of death took away his soul and said to him, "You have never ever performed any good deeds in your life. You always stole the code from others. We are going to send you to hell."
Bill pleaded, "I am ready to go to hell but do provide me a computer, please."
Messengers of death smiled inwardly and permitted him a computer, but with no Alt, Ctrl and Delete keys on the keyboard.
Dentist's Thinking!!
Patient: "It must be tough spending all day with your hands in someone's mouth."
Dentist: "I just think of it as having my hands in their wallet."
Customer to waiter: Everyday you charge me money for a cup of coffee. It will be wonderful if you serve me coffee free of cost today.
Waiter: Sir, everyday you drink coffee from a filled cup. It will be wonderful if you drink it from an empty cup today.
बँटा : वो लड़की देअफ़ लगती है. मैं कुछ कहता हूँ, वह कुछ और ही
बोलती है.
संता : कैसे?
बँटा : मैंने कहा I Luv U, तो वह बोली 'मैंने कल ही नए Sandal ख़रीदे हैं'
संता : यार! मैं अपना पुरसे घर भूल आया, मेनू 1000 Rs चाहिदे
सी.
बँटा : दोस्त ही दोस्त दे कम औंदा है, ले 10 Rs, रिक्शा कर ते Purse
ले आ.
डाकू मंगल संघ बँटा के घर मैं घुस आया..
डाकू : सोना कहाँ है, जल्दी बताओ..!
बँटा : पुरा घर खली है मलको, जिथे मरजी सो जाओ!
Santa : I tried your number so many times, it always said 'Switched
Off'!"
Banta : it's my HELLO TUNE!
Sandwiches
Two attorneys went into a diner and ordered two drinks. Then they produced sandwiches from their briefcases and started to eat. The owner became quite concerned and marched over and told them, "You can't eat your own sandwiches in here!"
The attorneys looked at each other, shrugged their shoulders and then exchanged sandwiches.
Cheesy Pick Up Lines
Are you a surgeon? Cause you've just taken my heart away!
- Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!
- If I received a nickel for everytime I saw someone as beautiful as you, I'd have five cents.
- When God made you, he was showing off
Missing Wallet
Bidding at a local auction was proceeding furiously when the auctioneer suddenly announced, "A gentleman in this room has lost a wallet containing $10,000. If it is returned, he will pay a reward of $2,000."
There was a moment's silence, and then from the back of the room came the cry, "Two thousand five hundred!"
Remembering her birthday....................
Mr. Smith thought he had conquered his problem of trying to
remember his wife's birthday and, also, their anniversary.
He opened an account with a florist, providing the florist
with the dates and instructions to send flowers to his wife
on the dates along with an appropriate note signed, "Your
loving husband."
His wife was thrilled by this new display of attention and
all went well until one day when he came home he saw a
bouquet.
Giving his wife a kiss hello, he said offhandedly, "Nice
flowers, honey. What's the occasion?"
Old Me
A man was taken to court for stealing an item from a store. The man said to the judge, "Your Honor, I'm a Christian. I've become a new man. But I have and old nature also. It was not my new man who did wrong. It was my old man."
The judge responded, "Since it was the old man that broke the law, we'll sentence him to 60 days in jail. And since the new man was an accomplice in the theft, we'll give him 30 days, too. I therefore sentence you both to 90 days in jail."
Password
A guy was typing away at his home computer, when his six- year-old daughter sneaked up behind him.
Suddenly, she turned and ran into the kitchen, squealing to the rest of the family, "I know Daddy's password! I know Daddy's password!"
"What is it?" her sisters asked eagerly.
Proudly she replied, "Asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk, asterisk!"
Bad Golfer
Jim was 26 over par by the eighth hole, had landed a fleet of golf balls in the water hazard, and dug himself into a trench fighting his way out of the rough, when his caddy coughed during a 12-inch putt. Jim exploded.
"You've got to be the worst caddy in the world!" he screamed.
"I doubt it," replied the caddy. "That would be too much of a coincidence."
Computer Lab Pranks
- Log on, wait a sec, then get a frightened look on your face and scream "Oh my gosh! They've found me!" and bolt.
- Laugh uncontrollably for about 3 minutes and then suddenly stop and look suspiciously at everyone who looks at you.
- When your computer is turned off, complain to the monitor on duty that you can't get the darn thing to work. After he/she's turned it on, wait 5 minutes, turn it off again, and repeat the process for a good half hour.
- Type frantically, often stopping to look at the person next to you evilly.
- Before anyone else is in the lab, connect each computer to different screen than the one it's set up with.
- Ask the person next to you if they know how to tap into top-secret Pentagon files.
- Make a small ritual sacrifice to the computer before you turn it on.
- Stare at the screen of the person next to you, look really puzzled, burst out laughing, and say "You did that?" loudly. Keep laughing, grab your stuff and leave, howling as you go.
- Remove your disk from the drive and hide it. Go to the lab monitor and complain that your computer ate your disk. (For special effects, put some Elmer's Glue on or around the disk drive. Claim that the computer is drooling.)
Reason to never visit a Seven Star Hotel
Question : "What would you like to have ..Fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or Coffee?"
Answer: "tea please"
Question : " Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea ?"
Answer : "Ceylon tea "
Question : "How would you like it ? black or white ?"
Answer: "white"
Question: "Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk ?"
Answer: "With milk "
Question: "Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk"
Answer: "With cow milk please.
Question: " Milk from Freeze land cow or Afrikaner cow?"
Answer: " Um, I'll take it black. "
Question: " Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"
Answer: "With sugar"
Question: " Beet sugar or cane sugar ?"
Answer: "Cane sugar "
Question:" White , brown or yellow sugar ?"
Answer: "Forget about tea just give me a glass of water instead."
Question: "Mineral water or still water ? "
Answer: "Mineral water"
Question: "Flavored or non-flavored ?"
Answer: "I'll rather die of thirst
Little Johnny and Geography
Teacher: Little Johnny, go to the map and find North America.
Little Johnny: Here it is!
Teacher: Correct. Now, class, who discovered America?
Class: Little Johnny!
Newton in Romantic Mood
Universal law of Love:
"Love can neither be created nor be destroyed; only it can transfer from one girlfriend to another girlfriend with some loss of money."
First law of Love:
"A boy in love with a girl, continue to be in love with her and a girl in love with a boy, continue to be in love with him, until or unless any external agent(brother or father of the gal) comes into play and
break the legs of the boy."
Second law of Love:
"The rate of change of intensity of love of a girl towards a boy is directly proportional to the instantaneous bank balance of the boy and the direction of this love is same to as increment or decrement of the
bank balance."
Third law of Love:
"The force applied while proposing a girl by a boy is equal and opposite to the force applied by the girl while slapping."
12 ways to get rid of Telemarketers!!
1. If they want to loan you money,
tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and
you could sure use some money.
Ask, "How long can I keep it?
Do I have to ever pay it back,
or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
2. If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up,
just listen to their sales pitch.
When they try to close the sale,
tell them that you'll need to go get your credit card.
Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry,
shopping or whatever.
See how long that commission based scum waits
for you to get your credit card.
3. If they start out with, "How are you today?"
say, "Why do you want to know?"
Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked,
because no one seems to care these days and
I have all these problems,
my sciatica is acting up,
my eyelashes are sore,
my dog just died...."
When they try to get back to the sales process,
just continue on with telling about your problems.
4. If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company,
ask him to spell his name,
then ask him to spell the company name,
then ask where it is located.
Continue asking personal questions or
questions about the company for as long as necessary.
5. This one works better if you are male:
Telemarketer: "Hi, my name is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services....
You: "Hang on a second."
(few seconds pause)
"Okay, (in a really husky voice) "what are you wearing?"
6. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Julie!! Is this really you?
I can't believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN?"
Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror
as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
7. Say, "No," over and over.
Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak.
This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
8. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan,
reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster,
"I don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
9. If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can?
Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood -
chicken blood too?"
10. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or, "That's fascinating."
Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
11. Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example: Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too.
Where are you calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too?
How's business/the weather?
Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya."
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and
if they will give you their phone number you will call them back.
If they say they are not allowed to give out their number,
then ask them for their home number and
tell them you will call them at home
(this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers).
If the person says,
"Well, I don't really want to get a call at home,"
say, "Yeah! Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
I M The Boss!!
*The boss* was complaining in our staff meeting the other day that he wasn't
getting any respect.
The next day, he brought a small sign that
Read:
"*I'm the Boss*!"
He then taped it to his office door.
Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped
a note to the sign that said:
"*Your wife called, she wants her sign back*!"
Philosophy Class
A college student was in a philosophy class, where there was a class discussion about whether or not God exists, The professor had the following logic:
"Has anyone in this class heard God?" Nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class touched God?" Again, nobody spoke. "Has anyone in this class seen God?"
When nobody spoke for the third time, he simply stated, "Then there is no God."
The student did not like the sound of this at all, and asked for permission to speak. The professor granted it, and the student stood up and asked the following questions of his classmates:
"Has anyone in this class heard our professor's brain?" Silence.
"Has anyone in this class touched our professor's brain?" Absolute silence.
"Has anyone in this class seen our professor's brain?"
When nobody in the class dared to speak, the student concluded, "Then, according to our professor's logic, it must be true that our professor has no brain!"
Getting The Right Name!!
Trying to find just the right name for your child? Why not pick one of these?
Just find your profession below and we have the right name for you!
Lawyer's daughter: Sue
Thief's son: Rob
Lawyer's son: Will
Doctor's son: Bill
Hair stylist's son: Bob
Homeopathic doctor's son: Herb
Justice of the peace's daughter: Mary
Sound stage technician's son: Mike
Gambler's daughter: Bette
Iron worker's son: Rusty
TV star's daughter: Emmy
Movie star's son: Oscar
Two men, one American and an Indian were sitting in a bar drinking shot after shot.
The Indian man said to the American,
"You know my parents are forcing me to get married to this so called homely girl from a village whom I haven't even met once. We call this arranged marriage. I don't want to marry a woman whom I don't love...I told them that openly and now I have a hell lot of family problems."
The American said, "Talking about love marriages... I'll tell you my story.
I married a widow whom I deeply loved and dated for 3 years."After a couple of years, my father fell in love with my step-daughter and so my father became my son-in-law and I became my father's father-in-law.
The American continued,
My daughter is my mother and my wife my grandmother. More problems occurred when I had a son. My son is my father's brother and so he is my uncle. Situations turned worse when my father had a son. Now my father's son I.e. My brother is my grandson. Ultimately, I have become my own grand father and I am my own grandson.
And you say you have family problems.... Give me a break!!"
Whats the problem honey??
A wife awoke early one morning to the sounds of her husband angrily banging around pots and pans in the kitchens.
When she goes downstairs, she sees that he is looking for something to eat but, more importantly, is very upset about something.
"What's the problem, darling? Didn't your program work?"
"It worked. I wrote that code until the wee hours of the morning, and it worked!"
"Then what's the matter? Were there a lot of bugs in it?"
"I took special pains to eliminate the bugs. It worked, and it worked perfectly!"
"So what's wrong?"
"I was so tired when I finished, I decided to take a little nap, just for a few minutes."
"Did you not sleep well? Did you have a nightmare?" the concerned wife inquired.
"No, I slept perfectly well... with my head on the backspace key."
Eight words women use...
1.)
Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are
right and you need to shut up.
2.)
Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more
minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.
3.)
Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something,
and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing
usually end in fine.
4.)
Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!
5.)
Loud Sigh : This is actually a word, but is a non-verbal statement
often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an
idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing
with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)
6.)
That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a wom an
can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard
before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.
7.)
Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say
you're welcome.
8.)
Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning
this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but
is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking 'What's
wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.Then you RUN!
One liners
- Born Free. Taxed to Death
- Don't Steal. The Government hates Competition
- 99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name
- A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain
- All men are Idiots, and I married their King
- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film facility
- Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.
HER DIARY
Day night, I thought he was acting weird. We had made
plans to meet at a cafe to have some coffee. I was shopping with my friends
all day long, so I thought he was upset at the fact that I was a bit late, but he made no
comment. Conversation wasn't flowing so I suggested that we go somewhere quiet so we could talk, he agreed but
he kept quiet and absent.
I asked him what was wrong - he said, "Nothing" I asked him if it was my fault that he was upset. He said it had nothing to do with me and not to worry.
On the way home I told him that I loved him, he simply smiled and kept driving. I can't explain his behavior; I don't know why he didn't say, "I love u too". When we got home I felt as if I had lost him, as if he wanted nothing to do with me anymore. He just sat there and watched TV.
He seemed distant and absent. Finally I decided to go to bed. About 10 minutes later he came to bed. I decided that I could not
take it anymore, so I decided to confront him with the situation but he had fallen asleep. I started crying and cried until I too fell asleep.
I don't know what to do. I'm almost sure that his thoughts are with someone else.
My life is a disaster.
HIS DIARY
Today India lost the cricket match against England.
DAMN IT.
NOW that's called...
Simplicity of Men
Vs
Complexity of Women...!! 
Driving styles
One hand on steering wheel, one hand out of window.
- Sydney
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on horn
- Japan
One hand on steering wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator...
- Boston
Both hands on steering wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror
- New York
Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat
- Italy
One hand on horn,
one hand greeting,
one ear on cell phone,
one ear listening to loud music,
foot on accelerator,
eyes on female pedestrians,
conversation with someone in the car
- Welcome to India!!
You know you are in 2007 when...........
1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don’t have e-mail addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : )
12. You’re reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn’t a #9 on this list
One day a teacher was giving a lecture on philosophy, and had the class enthralled. It was a brilliant lecture.
Suddenly, over his head a bright light flashed and an angel came down and approached the teacher.
She said, "You are doing such a good job teaching this class, I have decided to give you one wish. You can have infinite money, infinite wisdom, or infinite knowledge."
Thinking for a minute, he humbly asked for infinite wisdom. She tapped him with a magic wand and disappeared in a flash. The class came forward to hear the first words from a man with infinite wisdom.
He said, "It would have been wiser to take the money..."
Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs.
Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.
"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death, we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"
"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"
Santa Claus needed a vacation. He decided to go to Texas because it was warm and he had heard that the people were friendly. As soon as he arrived in town, people began to point and say, "Look! The big red one! Isn't he someone famous?"
Santa thought, "Gee, I'll never get any rest if people start asking to sit on my lap and try to tell me things they want."
So, he decided to disguise himself. He bought a cowboy outfit complete with cowboy boots and cowboy hat.
"No one will know me now, I look just like everyone else!" he thought happily.
As soon as Santa started walking down the street people began to point and say, "Look! It's that famous Christmas personality!"
Santa rushed around a corner to hide.
"It's my beard!" he thought. "They recognize me because of my long white beard!"
So Santa went to a barbershop and had his beard shaved off.
"I really look like everybody else now!" Santa thought.
So he walked down the street with a big smile on his face. Suddenly a man shouted, "It's him! It's him! Look everybody!"
Santa couldn't believe it. He was sure that no one would recognize him. So Santa walked up to the man and said, "How did you recognize me?"
The man looked at Santa and said, "You? I don't know you, but isn't that four-legged guy with the big red nose behind you Rudolph?"
A sardar got an invitation to a party which said 'Red Tie Only." When he went to the party, he was surprised to see that other were wearing pants and shirts also.
How to be annoying
Do you regularly ride an elevator? Here's some things you
can do in the future to turn that monotonous ride into
something more exciting :)
Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World"
incessantly.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside
ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear
yours upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,
without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the
doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake
and ask them to call you Admiral.
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it
stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the
shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then
announce, "I've got new socks on!"
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other
passengers.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that
your beeper?"
Say "Ding!" at each floor.
Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Comprehending the IT guy
To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the IT guy, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
KFC: Our Daily Chicken
A salesman from KFC walked up to the Pope and offers him a million dollars if he would change "The Lord's Prayer" from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken." The Pope refused his offer.
Two weeks later, the man offered the pope 10 million dollars to change it from "give us this day our daily bread" to "give us this day our daily chicken" and again the Pope refused the man's generous offer. Another week later, the man offered the Pope 20 million dollars and finally the Pope accepted. The following day, the Pope said to all his officials, "I have some good news and some bad news. 'The good news is, that we have just received a check for 20 million dollars. The bad news is, we lost the Wonder Bread account!'''
Weird Hollywood
Things to learn from the movies:
It's easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
Once applied, lipstick will never rub off - even while scuba diving.
The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. Nobody will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty. There is never any dust or lint in the ventilation ducts.
If you need to reload your gun, you will always have more ammunition - even if you haven't been carrying any before now.
The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
If a large pane of glass is visible, someone will be thrown through it before long.
When paying for a taxi, don't look at your wallet as you take out a bill - just grab one at random and hand it over. It will always be the exact fare.
Cars that crash will almost always burst into flames or explode.
The Chief of Police will always suspend his star detective or give him 48 hours to finish the job.
All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red digital readouts so you know exactly when they're going to go off.
It is always possible to park directly outside the building you are visiting.
It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts. Your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
When your LIFE is in DARKNESS, PRAY GOD and ask him to free you from Darkness.
Even after you pray, if U R still in Darkness -
Please PAY the ELECTRICITY BILL.
Teacher : Correct this sentence "A bull and a cow is grazing in the field"
Pappu : "A cow and a bull is grazing in the field"
Teacher : How?
Student : Ladies first.
More Common Tools Explained
To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of more common tools and their uses.
E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool ten times harder than any known drill bit that snaps neatly off in bolt holes thereby ending any possible future use.
BAND SAW: A large stationary power saw primarily used by most shops to cut good aluminium sheet into smaller pieces that more easily fit into the trash can after you cut on the inside of the line instead of the outside edge.
TWO-TON ENGINE HOIST: A tool for testing the maximum tensile strength of everything you forgot to disconnect.
CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 24-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A very large pry bar that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the end opposite the handle.
PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the vacuum seals under lids and for opening old-style paper-and-tin oil cans and splashing oil on your shirt; but can also be used, as the name implies, to strip out Phillips screw heads.
STRAIGHT SCREWDRIVER: A tool for opening paint cans. Sometimes used to convert common slotted screws into non-removable screws.
PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to make hoses too short.
HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer nowadays is used as a kind of divining rod to locate the most expensive parts adjacent the object we are trying to hit.
MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well on contents such as seats, vinyl records, liquids in plastic bottles, collector magazines, refund checks, and rubber or plastic parts. Especially useful for slicing work clothes, but only while in use.
DARNIT TOOL: Any handy tool that you grab and throw across the garage while yelling "DARNIT" at the top of your lungs. It is also, most often, the next tool that you will need.
Sacrcasm at Work
Dear Staff
It has been brought to the CEO's attention that some individuals throughout the organisation have been using sarcastic language during the course of normal conversation with their colleagues.
Due to complaints received from some employees who may be easily offended, this type of language will no longer be tolerated.
We do, however, realise the critical importance of being able to accurately express your feelings when communicating with colleagues.
Therefore, a list of 13 New and Innovative "Try Saying" phrases have been provided so that proper exchange of ideas and information can continue in an effective manner.
1. Try Saying: I think you could do with more training
Instead Of: You don't have a blankety-blank clue, do you?
2. Try Saying: She's an aggressive go-getter.
Instead Of: She's a power-crazed witch
3. Try Saying: Perhaps I can work late
Instead Of: And when the heck do you expect me to do this?
4. Try Saying: I'm certain that isn't feasible
Instead Of: Buzz off jerkface
5. Try Saying: Really?
Instead Of: Well stand me on my head and call me a flower vase
6. Try Saying: Perhaps you should check with...
Instead Of: Tell someone who gives a darn.
7. Try Saying: I wasn't involved in the project.
Instead Of: Not my gosh-darned problem.
8. Try Saying: That's interesting.
Instead Of: What the heck?
9. Try Saying: I'm not sure this can be implemented within the given timescale.
Instead Of: No blankety-blank chance mate.
10. Try Saying: It will be tight, but I'll try to schedule it in
Instead Of: Why the heck didn't you tell me that yesterday?
11. Try Saying: He's not familiar with the issues
Instead Of: He's got his head where the sun don't shine.
12. Try Saying: Excuse me, sir?
Instead Of: Oi, jerk face.
13. Try Saying: Of course, I was only going to be at home anyway
Instead Of: Yeah, who needs blankety-blank holidays anyway?
An old man was relaxing at his hundredth birthday party when a reporter went up to him.
"Sir, what is the secret of your long life?"
The man considered this for a moment, then replied, "Every day at 9 PM I have a glass of port. Good for the heart I've heard."
The reporter replied, "That's ALL?"
The man smiled, "That, and canceling my voyage on the Titanic."
Yet Another Management Lesson
A crow was sitting in a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Management Lesson: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Common Tools Explained
To the unitiated, the workshop can be an intimidating place, full of tools you may not know what to do with. To help, here's a helpful explanation of common tools and their uses.
DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, denting the freshly-painted vertical stabilizer which you had carefully set in the corner where nothing could get to it.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere under the workbench with the speed of light . Also removes fingerprints and hard-earned cleco calluses from fingers in about the time it takes you to say, "Oh rats!"
ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their holes until you die of old age.
SKILL SAW: A portable cutting tool used to make studs too short.
PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. Sometimes used in the creation of blood-blisters.
BELT SANDER: An electric sanding tool commonly used to convert minor touch-up jobs into major refinishing jobs.
HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board principle. It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more dismal your future becomes.
AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
VISE-GRIPS: Generally used after pliers to completely round off bolt heads. If nothing else is available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
WELDING GLOVES: Heavy duty leather gloves used to prolong the conduction of intense welding heat to the palm of your hand.
OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for lighting various flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the grease inside the wheel hub you want the bearing race out of.
TABLE SAW: A large stationary power tool commonly used to launch wood projectiles for testing wall integrity.
HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground after you have installed your new brake shoes, trapping the jack handle firmly under the bum per.
EIGHT-FOOT LONG YELLOW PINE 2X4: Used for levering an automobile upward off of a trapped hydraulic jack handle.
Dumb Truckers
While driving along the back roads of a small town, two Arkansas truckers came to an overpass with a sign that read CLEARANCE 11'3". They got out and measured their rig, which was 12'4".
"What do you think?" one asked the other.
The driver looked around carefully, then shifted into first. "Not a cop in sight. Let's take a chance!"
Retiring
Of course, some people never retire...
Old golfers never retire, they just lose their drive.
Old lumberjacks never retire, they just pine away.
Accountants don't retire, they just lose their balance.
And bank managers don't retire, they just lose interest.
But what about vehicle mechanics? They re-tire every day!
Birthday Hint
It will be my wife's birthday tomorrow. When I asked her what she wanted, she hinted that something with diamonds would be nice. So I've bought her a packet of playing cards!
Egomaniac
Q: How many egomaniacs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: One. The egomaniac holds the light bulb while the rest of the world revolves around him.
Management Lesson
A sales rep, an administration clerk and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke.
The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."
"Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk."I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone.
In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an Endless supply of pinna coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.
OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Management lesson?
Always let your boss have the first say.
Rules For Managers
1. Never give me work in the morning. Always wait until 4:00 and then bring it to me. The challenge of a deadline is refreshing.
2. If it's really a rush job, run in and interrupt me every 10 minutes to inquire how it's going. That helps. Even better, hover behind me, and advise me at every keystroke.
3. Always leave without telling anyone where you're going. It gives me a chance to be creative when someone asks where you are.
4. If my arms are full of papers, boxes, books, or supplies, don't open the door for me. I need to learn how to function as a paraplegic and opening doors with no arms is good training in case I should ever be injured and lose all use of my limbs.
5. If you give me more than one job to do, don't tell me which is priority. I am psychic . 6. Do your best to keep me late. I adore this office and really have nowhere to go or anything to do. I have no life beyond work.
7. If a job I do pleases you, keep it a secret. If that gets out, it could mean a promotion.
8. If you don't like my work, tell everyone. I like my name to be popular in conversations. I was born to be whipped.
9. If you have special instructions for a job, don't write them down. In fact, save them until the job is almost done. No use confusing me with useful information.
10. Never introduce me to the people you're with. I have no right to know anything. In the corporate food chain, I am plankton. When you refer to them later, my shrewd deductions will identify them.
11. Be nice to me only when the job I'm doing for you could really change your life and send you straight to manager's hades.
12. Tell me all your little problems. No one else has any and it's nice to know someone is less fortunate. I especially like the story about having to pay so many taxes on the bonus check you received for being such a good manager.
13. Wait until my yearly review and THEN tell me what my goals SHOULD have been. Give me a mediocre performance rating with a cost of living increase. I'm not here for the money anyway.
Three FASTEST means of Communication :
1. Tele-Phone
2. Tele-Vision
3. Tell to Woman
Need still FASTER - Tell her NOT to tell ANY ONE.
Santa to salesman : I want a pink curtain for my computer screen.
Salesman: But sir computers dont need curtains.
Santa: Hello.. I got 'Windows' !!
Sardar joined new job. 1st day he worked till late evening on the computer.
Boss was happy and asked what you did till evening.
Sardar : Keyboard alphabets were not in order, so I made it alright
On a romantic day sardar's girlfriend
asks him. Darling on our engagement day will you give me a ring.
Sardar : Ya sure, from landline or mobile.
What movies teach us
COMPUTERS & ELECTRONICS:
As depicted in movies,
Word processors never display a cursor.
You never have to use the space-bar when typing long sentences.
All monitors display inch-high letters.
High-tech computers, such as those used by NASA, the CIA, or some such governmental institution, will have easy to understand graphical interfaces. Those that don't, have incredibly powerful text-bases command shells that can correctly understand and execute commands typed in plain English.
Corollary: you can gain access to any information you want by simply typing "ACCESS ALL OF THE SECRET FILES" on any keyboard.
Likewise, you can infect a computer with a destructive virus by simply typing "UPLOAD VIRUS" (see "Fortress").
All computers are connected. You can access the information on the villain's desktop computer, even if it's turned off.
Powerful computers beep whenever you press a key or whenever the screen changes. Some computers also slow down the output on the screen so that it doesn't go faster than you can read. The *really* advanced ones also emulate the sound of a dot-matrix printer.
All computer panels have thousands of volts and flash pots just underneath the surface. Malfunctions are indicated by a bright flash, a puff of smoke, a shower of sparks, and an explosion that forces you backwards.
People typing away on a computer will turn it off without saving the data.
A hacker can get into the most sensitive computer in the world before intermission and guess the secret password in two tries.
Any PERMISSION DENIED has an OVERRIDE function (see "Demolition Man" and countless others).
Complex calculations and loading of huge amounts of data will be accomplished in under three seconds. Movie modems usually appear to transmit data at the speed of two gigabytes per second.
When the power plant/missile site/whatever overheats, all the control panels will explode, as will the entire building.
If a disk has got encrypted files, you are automatically asked for a password when you try to access it.
No matter what kind of computer disk it is, it'll be readable by any system you put it into. All application software is usable by all computer platforms The more high-tech the equipment, the more buttons it has (Aliens). However, everyone must have been highly trained, because the buttons aren't labelled.
Most computers, no matter how small, have reality-defying three- dimensional,active animation, photo-realistic graphics capability.
Laptops, for some strange reason, always seem to have amazing real-time video phone capabilities and the performance of a CRAY Supercomputer.
Whenever a character looks at a VDU, the image is so bright that it projects itself onto his/her face (see "Alien", "2001").
One-liner about business
Programming errors which would normally require one day to find will take five days when the programmer is in a hurry.
Rude Parrot
A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, ”Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” The lady was furious and continued on her way.
On the way home, she passed by the petstore again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” She was incredibly upset now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again.
The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it said.
“Yes?”
“You know.”
Making Cents of Football
Cletus took Maynard to his first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's Bench. After the game, Cletus asked Maynard how he liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," he replied, "but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, Cletus asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!' I mean, come on... it's only twenty-five cents!"
A man walks into a barber shop and asks; "how much for a hair cut?" The barber said $12.50.
The man asks; "and how much for a shave?" The barber said $1.50. The man then says SHAVE IT ALL.
My Words Are Antibiotic, My Smile Is analgesic,
My Touch Is Anti Inflammatory,
My Presence Is Antiseptic,
My Feeling Is antipyretic. ..
Thats Why I Am
Pharmacist.
दिल से बोलू एक बात मैं सच्ची,
हम तुम एक डाल के पंछी,
दोस्ती हमारी ये होगी न कच्ची,
तेरी photo से तो मेरी negative अच्छी...
Man & wife catch a thief.
Fat wife sat on thief's back, askd hsband 2 go get Police,
hsbnd was takin time 2 find his shoes.
Thief cried: ओ मेरी ही जुत्ती पा जा!
Propose करने का शेर:
कुत्ता मर गया रजाई में,
मैं पागल हो गया तेरी जुदाई में,
हाथी नदी में बह नहीं सकता,
अपुन तेरे बिना रह नहीं सकता...
CID to Santa: Why criminals leave
their finger prints aftr their work?
Santa: Sir, criminals r uneducatd.
If they r educatd,
they wud leave their signature
वह आई मुस्कुराई,
उसने कहा,हमने सुना,
वह कहती गई हम सुनते रहे,
वह चल दी,हमसे रहा न गया ,
बस कह ही दिया...
"MADAM ATTENDANCE तो लगा दो."
अपने रूप पे इतना गुरुर न कर
सब दो दिन की मस्ती है.
तेरा हसन भी तब तक कायम है
जब तक Fair & Lovely सस्ती है.
Dad:2 things in life are important.
Honesty n Wisdom !
Son:Wats honesty?
Dad:Keep ur word if u hv given it.
Son:Wisdom?
Dad:Dont give it !
MOVIE RELATED TO STUDY................
Exams - सोचा न था,
Classes - कभी कभी,
Question papers - न तुम जानो न हम,
Copying - याराना,
Maths2 - असंभव,
Maths1 - mission impossible,
Environmental sciences - प्यार में कभी कभी,
1st semester - कुछ तो है,
2nd semester - यह क्या हो रहा है,
Distinction - कल हो न हो,
Fail - फिर मिलेंगे
Surprise news 4 u,
Rent free accommodation,
खाना पीना,
सोना रहना,
Every things free,
More detail just dial 100
जब बारिश होती है,
तुम याद आते हो.
जब कलि घटा छाए,
तुम याद आते हो,
जब भीगते हैं तुम याद आते हो,
बताऊ मेरा छत्री कब दो गी!
पलकों पे अपनी भिटाया है तुम्हें
बड़ी दुआओं के बाद पाया है तुम्हें
आसानी से नहीं मिले हो तुम
international ZOO se chuarya hai tumhain
कॉलेज की गलिओं में अज्जेब खेल होता है,
क्लास के बहने दिलो का खेल होता है,
नोट्स की जगह लुव्मैल होअत है,
इसलिए तो पप्पू हर साल फ़ैल होता है.
Have Some Perspective
A man walks out of a bar and sees a bum panhandling on the corner. The bum says, "Mister, can you spare a dollar?"
The man thinks a minute. Then he asks the bum, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it to buy liquor?"
"No," says the bum.
The man then asks, "If I give you a dollar, are you going to use it for gambling?"
Again the bum says, "No."
So the man says to the bum, "Do you mind coming home with me so I can show my wife what happens to someone who doesn't drink or gamble?"
Witty Newton
Once all the scientists die and go to heaven. They decide to play hide-n-seek
Unfortunately Einstein is the one who has the den...........He is supposed to count upto 100...and then start searching.....
Everyone starts hiding except Newton.........
Newton just draws a square of 1 meter and stands in it right in front of Einstein.
Einstein's counting 1,2,3......97,98,99.....100........ He opens his eyes and finds Newton standing in front........
Einstein says "newton's out..newton's out....."
Newton denies and says "I am not out........I am not Newton......"
All the scientists come out to see how he proves that he is not Newton.
Newton says "I am standing in a square of area 1m squared.....
That makes me Newton per meter squared......
since one Newton per meter squared is one Pascal, I'm Pascal, Therefore Pascal is OUT.......!
होठों से जो छू लिया, एहसास अब तक है
आंखें नम हैं, और साँसों में आग अब तक है,
और क्यों न हो, जनाब...
खाई भी तो 'हरी मिर्ची' है!
U r miles
away from me.
Still I am
watching ur every movements by 4 different
channels
1.Discovery
2.National Geographic
3.Animal Planet
4.Cartoon Network
एक बन्दर ने अपनी शकल आईने में देख ली और उसने सुसाईड कर ली, तुम मुझसे वादा करो के तुम कभी आइना नहीं देखोगे plz plz plz promise me plz...
में तुमको चाँद कह्दु मगर उसमे दाग है,
सूरज कह्दु उसमे तो आग है,
सोचा तुमको बन्दर कह दु...
मगर उस कम्बखत मी भी दिमाग है.
BOY: बस,ट्रेन और लड़की १जैसि ही होती है, १ जाती है तो दूसरी आ जाती है.
Girl: औतोरिक्षा, टैक्सी और लड़के १ जैसे होते है,१ बुलाओ तो ४ चले आते है..!
अपने प्यार को मत चुपाओ, इसे ज़रूरत ह जताने की,
अपनी खूबसूरती को मत चुपाओ,
इसे ज़रूरत ह दिखाने की... अब और परफ्यूम मत लगाओ,
तुम्हे ज़रूरत ह नहाने की..
Santa goes 2 a Petrol Pump sees a board Don"t use Mobile Here,
he Picks his Mobile Phone,
Calls everyone from his phone & says DON"T CALL ME NOW.
एक दोस्त का वादा है मरते दम तक साथ निभाएंगे मौत आए तो तुमसे पहले हम जायेंगे तुमको न भूल पाएंगे इसी लिए तुमको भी साथ ले जायेंगे.
सुवर के बच्चे
उल्लू क पट्ठे
कुत्ते क पिल्लै
साँप क सपोले
गाय क बच्दे
..
सब छोटे छोटे प्यारे प्यारे होते है!!
if dentists make films, d names will be -
*दांत हो न हो
*जानम ब्रुश करो
*आ अब clean करें
*कभी तीथ कभी गम
*हमारा दांत आपके पास है!
पड़ लिख कर क्या करना है,
अखिर१ दिन सबको मरना है,
मर कर भी अगर जनम लिया,
तो फ़िर साला नर्सरी से ही तो पढ़ना है !!
So enjoY!!
जिंदगी मैं कभी प्यार मत करना,
हो जाये तो इनकार मत करना,
निभा सको तो इसमे कदम रखना,
वर्ना किसी की जिंदगी बर्बाद मत
Amitab : In which state kaveri flows?
Sardar : liquid state.....
Audience clapped.. Amitab stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS.......
Interviewar: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d.
Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY....
A sardar on an interview 4 da post detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating
2 sardarjis looking at Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!....
A Tamilian call up sardar and asks " tamil therima??"
Sardar got mad, angrily replied.... "Hindi tera baap!!!"
Sardar is in a dissection class of cockroach. He cuts its 1 leg, and
says, "chal", it walks.
He cuts 2nd and 3rd legs and said, "chal" , it walks.
He cuts all the legs and said, "chal...." Finally he wrote the conclusion......
...... "after all the legs of a cockroach are cut - it becomes deaf......"
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage
and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post
office....
2 sardars are driving a Car, one puts on the indicator and asks the
other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says
YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO...
Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at
night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light
is not needed!!!
Sardar at bar in New York.
Man on his right says "Johny Walker single"
Man on his left says "Peter Scotch single"
Sardar says - "Baljith Singh Married"
Murphy's Laws of Computing
1. When computing, whatever happens, behave as though you meant it to happen.
2. When you get to the point where you really understand your computer, it's probably obsolete.
3. The first place to look for information is in the section of the manual where you'd least expect to find it.
4. When the going gets tough, upgrade.
5. For every action, there is an equal and opposite malfunction.
6. To err is human...to blame your computer for your mistakes is even more human, it's downright natural.
7. He who laughs last, probably has a back-up.
8. The number one cause of computer problems is computer solutions.
9. A complex system that does' t work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.
10. A computer program will always do what you tell it to do, but rarely what you want it to do.
Good Question
Bob couldn't believe it -- he'd made it to the last round of his favorite game show. "Congratulations, Bob," said the emcee. "Answer correctly and you go home with five million dollars!
"This is a two-part question on American history," he continued. "The second half of the question is always easier. Which part would you like first?"
Bob figured he'd play it safe. "I think I'll try the second part of the question first."
The emcee nodded approvingly, while the audience was silent with anticipation.
"Okay, Bob, here is your question: And in what year did it happen?"
Lawyer Jokes
What's wrong with lawyer jokes?
Lawyers don't think they're funny, and nobody else seems to think that they're jokes.
Cryptographers
A newly appointed cryptographer attends a lunch meeting with his peers, who are going around a circle telling jokes.
One of the cryptographers shouts "12", and everyone starts laughing.
Another person shouts "34", which is received with more laughter.
The new cryptographer asks one of the people "why is everyone laughing?" to which he responds "instead of taking the time to tell the whole joke, we just assign each joke a number and instead say that number".
When it's the new cryptographers turn, he says "-22", to which everyone bursts in laughter.
One of them shouts, "i haven't heard that one before!"
Say a Little Prayer
Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. "Who are we to interfere with God's will?" they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.
The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God's creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.
It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.
Four Men in a Car
Four men rode in a car: a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, a chemical engineer, and a computer engineer.
The car stalled out.
The mechanical engineer said, "It must be the pistons; let's repair them and be on our way."
The electrical engineer said, "It has to be the spark plugs; we'll replace them and be ready to roll in no time at all."
The chemical engineer said. "No, it's got to be bad gas; we'll flush the system and be on our way."
They turned to the computer engineer. "What do you think we should do?" they asked.
The computer engineer shrugged and said, "Let's get out of the car, close the doors, then get back in and try restarting it."
Climb the Ladder
The other night I dreamed that I had died and gone to Heaven. At the Pearly Gates I was met by Saint Peter who told me if I wanted to enter the gates of Heaven I must climb that ladder one rung at a time. On each rung I must write a sin that I committed during my life while on earth.
He then gave me a piece of chalk. I started, writing, climbing, writing, climbing .... hanging on with one hand and writing with the other - a difficult task for someone who does not like heights.
All of a sudden, something was crushing the fingers of my holding hand. I looked up, and there, much to my amazement was my boss coming down the ladder for more chalk.
What's in a Name
A young man called directory assistance. "Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona."
"There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix," the operator replied. "Do you have a street name?"
The young man hesitated, and then said, "Well, most people call me Ice Man."
Barbie and Britney
Q: What do Barbie and Britney Spears have in common?
A: Both are blonde, brainless and made out of plastic.
Things You Wouldn't Know Without Movies
-It is always possible to park directly outside any building you are visiting.
-A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
-If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
-Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communication systems of any invading alien civilization.
-It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts - your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
-When a person is knocked unconscious by a blow to the head, they will never suffer a concussion or brain damage.
-No one involved in a car chase, hijacking, explosion, volcanic eruption or alien invasion will ever go into shock.
-Police Departments give their officers personality tests to make sure they are deliberately assigned a partner who is their total opposite.
-When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
-You can always find a chainsaw when you need one.
-Any lock can be picked by a credit card or a paper clip in seconds, unless it''''s the door to a burning building with a child trapped inside.
-An electric fence, powerful enough to kill a dinosaur will cause no lasting damage to an eight-year-old child.
-Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment you turn the television on.
Another Dumb Blonde
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and one night he's doing a show in a small club in a small town in Arkansas. With his dummy on his knee, he's going through his usual dumb blonde jokes when a blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and starts shouting: ''I've heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does the color of a person's hair have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as a person, because you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against, not only blondes, but women in general...and all in the name of humor!'' The ventriloquist is embarrassed and begins to apologize, when the blonde yells, ''You stay out of this, mister! I'm talking to that little jerk on your knee!''
Drunken Man and Blonde
After a really good party a man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Already drunk and delirious, the man turns to the person sitting next to him and says, "You wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The person replies, "I am 240 pounds, world kickboxing champion and a natural blonde. My friend is 190 pounds, world judo champion and is a natural blonde. And my other friend is 200 pounds, world arm wrestling champion and is also a natural blonde. Do you still want to tell me that blonde joke?"
The man thinks for a while and replies, "Not if I have to explain it three times."Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, ''I've kidnapped you.''
She then wrote a note saying,''I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.'' The blonde pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, ''How could you do this to a fellow blonde?''Loose Constructionists
A road consturction manager needed to hire someone to paint the yellow lines down the middle of a newly constructed road. A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all get hired. They are each assigned a section of the road. The first day, the blonde paints 2 miles, the redhead 1.5, and the brunette only 1. On the second day, the blonde paints 1 mile, the brunette 2, and the redheaed 2.5. On the third day, the blonde only gets 1/4 of a mile done, the redheaed 3, and the brunette 3.5. The manager decides to talk to the blonde.
"You haven't been painting as much road as you did on the first day,'' the manager said. ''What's the problem?''
''I'd be painting more, but the bucket keeps getting farther and farther away!'''Which Came First
A computer scientist, a surgeon, and a civil engineer were gathered at the pub. The surgeon boasts, Surgery is the oldest technology in the world. It's in the Bible. God removed Adam's rib while he slept. This is clear evidence that surgery pre-dates all other technological endevors.
Without so much as a beat, the civil engineer says that before that, God formed the Earth, the stars, and everything from nothing but chaos. He created rivers, mountians and oceans. This was clear evidence that civil engineering pre-dates all other technological endevors.
No to be outdone, the computer scientist points out, "Yes, but where do you think the Chaos came from?"
A Story of Creation
In the beginning, God created heaven and earth.
Then God said, "Let there be light."
Shortly thereafter God was in receipt of a notice to show cause why he shouldn't be cited for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary planning permit for the project, but was stymied by a Cease and Desist Order for the earthly part. At the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place.
He replied that he just liked to be creative.
Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made.
Would it require strip mining? What about thermal pollution?
God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire, and provisional approval was granted with the proviso that no smoke would result.
The authorities demanded the issuance of a building permit, and (to conserve energy) required that the light be left off half the time.
God agreed, saying he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night."
Officials replied that they were only interested in protecting the environment, not in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed."
The EPA agreed, so long as only native seed was used.
Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth."
Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything went along smoothly until God declared that he intended to complete the project in six days.
Officials informed God it would take at least 200 days to review his many waiver applications and environmental impact statements. After that there would have to be a public hearing, and then there would be a 10-12 month probationary period before....
At this point, God created Hell.
Will of the People
Some years ago the president, tired of his low approval ratings, called up the head of the CIA and said, "I want your very best agent over here first thing in the morning."
Moments later, a call went out to the Middle East, and the most gifted American agent was headed back to Washington.
The next morning, the agent was escorted into the Oval Office. The president said, "I hear you're the best in the business. I can't trust what my staff tells me.
"So I want you to visit every state in the union, every major city. I want you to stay out on the road until you have an idea of what the vast majority of Americans would like to see happen in the Oval Office. Understand?"
The CIA agent responded affirmatively. He left the White House and wasn't heard from for nearly four months. Finally, he showed up early on a Saturday morning, and the President saw him immediately.
The president said, "Did you find out what an overwhelming majority of Americans want done here in this office?"
"Yes, sir."
"Well, then, express the will of the people," the president ordered.
So the agent stood up, made a fist, and punched him in the nose.
Donald and and Leona's Company Policy
Dress Code - It is advised that you come to work dressed according to your salary. If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise. If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise. If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.
Sick Days - We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.
Personal Days - Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturday & Sunday.
Bereavement Leave - This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend to the arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.
Toilet Use - Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls. At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken. After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders category". Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sanctioned under the company's mental health policy.
Lunch Break - Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy. Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure. Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.
Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.
Y2K Nostalgia
Boris Yeltsin, Bill Clinton, and Bill Gates were invited on the eve of the millennium to have dinner with God. After a little bit of small talk, God informed them that he would be destroying the earth the next day. Upon returning to earth, they each made announcemnts.
"I have two piece of bad news," said Boris Yeltsin. "One, God does exist. Two, all of the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."
"I have some good news and some bad news," said Bill Clinton. "First, the good -- God does exist. And the bad -- the earth will be destroyed tomorrow."
"I have some great news!" said Bill Gates. "One, I'm one of the three most important people on earth. Two, we've got this Y2K thing solved!"Blonderrific Hair!
Why did the blonde run out of shampoo?
She kept following the instructions: lather, rinse, repeat!
Blonde Puzzle
Q: Why did the blonde get so excited after she finished her jigsaw puzzle in only 6 months?
A: Because on the box it said "From 2-4 years."
Deer Tracks
Three blondes were taking a walk in the country when they came upon a line of tracks. The first blonde said, "Those must be deer tracks!"
The second blonde said, "No, stupid, anyone can tell those are rabbit tracks!"
The third blondie said, "No, you idiots, those are horse tracks!"
They where still arguing ten minutes later when a train hit them.Baseball Heaven?
Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."
They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."
Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"
"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.
Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"
"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."
"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.
Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."
Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"
Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."The problems with golf
The only problem with golf is that the slow people are always in front of you and the fast people always end up behind you.
I want to buy a golf ball
A blonde golfer goes into the pro shop and looks around frowning.
Finally the pro askes her what she wants. "I can't find any green golf balls," the blonde golfer complains.
The pro looks all over the shop, and through all the catalogs, and finally calls the manufacturers and determines that sure enough, there are no green golf balls.
As the blonde golfer walks out the door in disgust, the pro asks her, "Before you go, could you tell me why you want green golf balls?"
"Well obviously, because they would be so much easier to find in the sand traps!"
What will you do for golf?
Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:
First Guy: "Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."
Second Guy: "That's nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."
Third Guy: "Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. What's the deal?"
Fourth Guy: "I don't want to talk about it. Let's just say that the foundation for the new house is being poured next Tuesday."
Slow golfers are ahead of us
Joe decides to take his boss Phil to play 9 holes on their lunch. While both men are playing excellent they are often held up by two women in front of them moving at a very slow pace. Joe offers to talk to the women and see if they can speed it up a bit. He gets about half of the way there stops and jogs back.
His boss asks what the problem is. "Well one of those women is my wife and the other my mistress," complained Joe. Phil just shook his head at Joe and started toward the women determined to finish his round of golf. Preparing to ask the ladies to speed up their game, he too stopped short and turned around.
Joe asked "what's wrong?" It's a small, small world Joe, and you're fired"
An engineer, doctor, and pastor golfing
A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
Engineer: What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!
Doctor: I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude!
Pastor: Hey, here comes the greens keeper. Let's have a word with him. [dramatic pause] Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?
George: Oh, yes, that's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.
The group was silent for a moment.
Pastor: That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.
Doctor: Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.
Engineer: Why can't these guys play at night?
The amazing golf ball
A golfer, playing a round by himself, is about to tee off, and a greasy little salesman runs up to him, and yells, "Wait! Before you tee off, I have something really amazing to show you!"
The golfer, annoyed, says, "What is it?"
"It's a special golf ball," says the salesman. "You can never lose it!"
"Whattaya mean," scoffs the golfer, "you can never lose it? What if you hit it into the water?"
"No problem," says the salesman. "It floats, and it detects where the shore is, and spins towards it."
"Well, what if you hit it into the woods?"
"Easy," says the salesman. "It emits a beeping sound, and you can find it with your eyes closed."
"Okay," says the golfer, impressed. "But what if your round goes late and it gets dark?"
"No problem, sir, this golf ball glows in the dark! I'm telling you, you can never lose this golf ball!"
The golfer buys it at once. "Just one question," he says to the salesman. "Where did you get it?"
"I found it."
Golfing with an older man
A young man who was also an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."
I did all of that?
After a particularly poor game of golf, a popular club member skipped the clubhouse and started to go home. As he was walking to the parking lot to get his car, a policeman stopped him and asked, "Did you tee off on the sixteenth hole about twenty minutes ago?"
"Yes," the golfer responded.
"Did you happen to hook your ball so that it went over the trees and off the course?"
"Yes, I did. How did you know?" he asked.
"Well," said the policeman very seriously, "Your ball flew out onto the highway and crashed through a driver's windshield. The car went out of control, crashing into five other cars and a fire truck. The fire truck couldn't make it to the fire, and the building burned down. So, what are you going to do about it?"
The golfer thought it over carefully and responded...
"I think I'll close my stance a little bit, tighten my grip and lower my right thumb."
Is he a good dentist?
A couple of old guys were golfing when one said he was going to Dr. Taylor for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His friend remarked that he had gone to the same dentist a few years before. "Is that so?" the first said. "Did he do a good job?"
"Well, I was on the course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot," he said. "The ball most have been going 200 mph when it hit me in the stomach. That," he added, "was the first time in two years my teeth didn't hurt."
This is my first golf lesson
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."
Someone died playing golf
Fred got home from his Sunday round of golf later than normal and very tired. "Bad day at the course?" his wife asked.
"Everything was going fine," he said. "Then Harry had a heart attack and died on the 10th tee."
"Oh, that's awful!"
"You're not kidding. For the whole back nine it was hit the ball, drag Harry, hit the ball, drag Harry."
The laws of golf
LAW 1: No matter how bad your last shot was, the worst is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2: Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of people you tell about the former.
LAW 3: Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water.
LAW 4: Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5: No matter what causes a golfer to muff a shot, all his playing partners must solemnly chant "You looked up," or invoke the wrath of the universe.
LAW 6: The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 7: Every par-three hole in the world has a secret desire to humiliate golfers. The shorter the hole, the greater its desire.
LAW 8: Topping a 3-iron is the most painful torture known to man.
LAW 9: Palm trees eat golf balls.
LAW 10: Sand is alive. If it isn't, how do you explain the way it works against you?
LAW 11: Golf carts always run out of juice at the farthest point from the clubhouse.
LAW 12: A golfer hitting into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
LAW 14: Golf balls from the same "sleeve" tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water (See Law three).
LAW 15: A severe slice is a thing of awesome power and beauty.
LAW 16: "Nice lag" can usually be translated to "lousy putt." Similarly, "tough break" can usually be translated "way to miss an easy one, sucker."
LAW 17: The person you would most hate to lose to will always be the one who beats you.
LAW 18: The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 19: Golf should be given up at least twice per month.
LAW 20: All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until the sunset.
Clinton one-liner
"When Clinton said he was going to create 8 million new jobs, I didn't think they were all going to be tax collectors." -- Jay Leno
Did you make a donation?
At the United Way in a fairly small town a volunteer worker noticed that the most successful lawyer in the whole town hadn't made a contribution. This guy was making about $600,000 a year so the volunteer thought, "Why not call him up?"
He calls up the lawyer.
"Sir, according to our research you haven't made a contribution to the United Way, would you like to do so?"
The lawyer responds, "A contribution? Does your research show that I have an invalid mother who requires expensive surgery once a year just to stay alive?"
The worker is feeling a bit embarrassed and says, "Well, no sir, I'm..."
"Does your research show that my sister's husband was killed in a car accident? She has three kids and no means of support!"
The worker is feeling quite embarrassed at this point. "I'm terribly sorry..."
"Does your research show that my brother broke his neck on the job and now requires a full time nurse to have any kind of normal life?"
The worker is completely humiliated at this point. "I am sorry sir, please forgive me..."
"The gall of you people! I don't give them anything, so why should I give it to you!"
President Hillary
Why did Senator Hillary Clinton decide run for office?
She'd already been President for 8 years.
State Slogans
Alabama:
At Least We're not Mississippi
Alaska:
11,623 Eskimos Can't be Wrong!
Arizona:
But It's a Dry Heat
Arkansas:
Litterasy Ain't Everthing
California:
As Seen on TV
Colorado:
If You Don't Ski, Don't Bother
Connecticut:
Like Massachusetts, Only Dirtier and With Less Character
Delaware:
We Really Do Like the Chemicals in our Water
Florida:
Ask Us About Our Grandkids
Georgia:
Without Atlanta we're Alabama
Hawaii:
Haka Tiki Mou Sha'ami Leeki Toru
(Death to Mainland Scum, But Leave Your Money)
Idaho:
More Than Just Potatoes...
Well Okay, We're Not, But The Potatoes Sure Are Real Good
Illinois:
Please Don't Pronounce the "S"
Indiana:
2 Billion Years Tidal Wave Free
Iowa:
We Do Amazing Things With Corn
Kansas:
First Of The Rectangle States
Kentucky:
Five Million People; Seven Last Names
Louisiana:
We're Not All Drunk Cajun Wackos,
But That's Our Tourism Campaign
Maine:
We're Really Cold,
But We Have Cheap Lobster
Maryland:
A Thinking Man's Delaware
Massachusetts:
Our Taxes Are Lower Than Sweden's
Michigan:
First Line of Defense From the Canadians
Minnesota:
10,000 Lakes and 10,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 Mosquitoes
Mississippi:
Come Feel Better About Your Own State
Missouri:
Your Federal Flood Relief Tax Dollars at Work
Montana:
Land of the Big Sky, the Unabomber, Right-Wing Crazies, and Very Little Else
Nebraska:
Ask About Our State Motto Contest
Nevada:
Whores and Poker!
New Hampshire:
Go Away and Leave Us Alone
New Jersey:
You Want a ##$%##! Motto?
I Got Yer ##$%##! Motto Right Here!
New Mexico:
Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York:
You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney...
North Carolina:
Tobacco is a Vegetable
North Dakota:
We Really are One of the 50 States!
Ohio:
We Wish We Were In Michigan
Oklahoma:
Like the Play, only No Singing
Oregon:
Spotted Owl... It's What's For Dinner
Pennsylvania:
Cook With Coal
Rhode Island:
We're Not REALLY An Island
South Carolina:
We Have Never Actually Surrendered to the North
South Dakota:
Closer Than North Dakota
Tennessee:
The Educashun State
Texas:
A Whole 'Nother Country!
Utah:
Our Jesus Is Better Than Your Jesus
Vermont:
Yep
Virginia:
Who Says Government Stiffs and Slackjaw Yokels Don't Mix?
Washington:
Help! We're Overrun By Nerds and Slackers!
Washington, D.C.:
Wanna Be Mayor?
West Virginia:
One Big Happy Family -- Really!
Wisconsin:
Come Cut Our Cheese
Wyoming:
Wynot?
World War III
Bush and Powell were sitting in a bar. A guy walked in and asked the barman, "Isn't that Bush and Powell?"
The barman said, "Yep, that's them."
So the guy walked over and said, "Hello. What are you guys doing?"
Bush said, "We're planning World War III."
The guy asked, "Really? What's going to happen?"
Bush said, "Well, we're going to kill 10 million Afghans and one bicycle repairman."
The guy exclaimed, "Why are you gonna kill a bicycle repairman?!"
Bush turned to Powell and said, "See, I told you no one would worry about the 10 million Afghans!"Things Found Only in America
1. Only in America......can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
2. Only in America......are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
3. Only in America......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
4. Only in America......do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet Coke.
5. Only in America......do banks leave both doors to the vault open and then chain the pens to the counters.
6. Only in America......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
7. Only in America......do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
8. Only in America......do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
9. Only in America......do we use the word 'politics' to describe the process so well: Poli' in Latin meaning 'many' and 'tics' meaning 'bloodsucking creatures'.
10. Only in America......do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering
A Zoo Story
A guy found a sheep and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that sheep to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the sheep again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, "What on earth are you doing with that sheep?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and now I''m taking him to the movies."
Internet addictions
Internet addictions
As the incidence and prevalence of Internet Addiction Disorder (IAD) has been increasing exponentially, a support group. The Internet Addiction Support Group (IASG) has been established. Below are the official criteria for the diagnosis of IAD and subscription information for the IASG.
A maladaptive pattern of Internet use, leading to clinically significant impairment or distress as manifested by three (or more) of the following, occurring at any time in the same 12-month period:
Diagnostic Criteria
(I) tolerance, as defined by either of the following:
(A) A need for markedly increased amounts of time on Internet to achieve satisfaction
(B) markedly diminished effect with continued use of the same amount of time on Internet
(II) withdrawal, as manifested by either of the following
(A) the characteristic withdrawal syndrome
(1) Cessation of (or reduction) in Internet use that has been heavy and prolonged.
(2) Two (or more) of the following, developing within several days to a month after Criterion 1:
(a) psychomotor agitation
(b) anxiety
(c) obsessive thinking about what is happening on Internet
(d) fantasies or dreams about Internet
(e) voluntary or involuntary typing movements of the fingers
(3) The symptoms in Criterion B cause distress or impairment in social, occupational or other important other area of functioning
(B) Use of Internet or a similar on-line service is engaged in to relieve or avoid withdrawal symptoms.
(III) Internet is often accessed more often or for longer periods of time than was intended
(IV) There is a persistent desire or unsuccessful efforts to cut down or control Internet use
(V) A great deal of time is spent in activitied related to Internet use (e.g., buying Internet books, trying out new WWW browsers, researching Internet vendors, organizing files of downloaded materials
(VI) Important social, occupational, or recreational activities are given up or reduced because of Internet use.
(VII) Internet use is continued despite knowledge of having a persistent or recurrent physical, social, occupational, or psychological problem that is likely to been caused or exacerbated by Internet use (sleep deprivation, marital difficulties, lateness for early morning appointments, neglect of occupational duties, or feelings of abandonment in significant others)
How To Appease The I.T. Dept.
01. When you call us to have your computer moved, be sure to leave it buried under half a ton of postcards, baby pictures, stuffed animals, dried flowers, bowling trophies and children's art. We don't have a life, and we find it deeply moving to catch a fleeting glimpse of yours.
02. Don't write anything down. Ever. We can play back the error messages from here.
03. When an I.T. person says he's coming right over, go for coffee. That way you won't be there when we need your password. It's nothing for us to remember 700 screen saver passwords.
04. When you call the help desk, state what you want, not what's keeping you from getting it. We don't need to know that you can't get into your mail because your computer won't power on at all.
05. When I.T. support sends you an E-Mail with high importance, delete it at once. We're just testing.
06. When an I.T. person is eating lunch at his desk, walk right in and spill your guts right out. We exist only to serve.
07. Send urgent email all in uppercase. The mail server picks it up and flags it as a rush delivery.
08. When the photocopier doesn't work, call computer support. There's electronics in it.
09. When something's wrong with your home PC, dump it on an I.T. person's chair with no name, no phone number and no description of the problem. We love a puzzle.
10. When an I.T. person tells you that computer screens don't have cartridges in them, argue. We love a good argument.
11. When an I.T. person tells you that he'll be there shortly, reply in a scathing tone of voice: "And just how many weeks do you mean by shortly?" That motivates us.
12. When the printer won't print, re-send the job at least 20 times. Print jobs frequently get sucked into black holes.
13. When the printer still won't print after 20 tries, send the job to all 68 printers in the company. One of them is bound to work.
14. Don't learn the proper term for anything technical. We know exactly what you mean by "My thingy blew up".
Unspeakable
A man walks into his doctor's office and puts a note on the table for the doctor to read. It said, "I can't talk! Help me!"
The doctor nodded sagely, and instructed the man to put his thumb on the table. The man thinks to himself that his thumb has nothing to do with his inability to talk, but he does as the doctor ordered.
The doctor quickly picked up a big book and whacks the man's thumb with it as hard as he could.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!" the man yelled.
"Good, good," the doctor said. "Come back tomorrow and we'll work on the 'B'."
Most Worthless New Inventions
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
From the Heart
The following letter was forwarded by someone who teaches at a junior high school in Memphis, Tennessee; the letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all humankind. Read it, soak it in, and bask in the warm feeling that it leaves you with.
Dear Reyer School:
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior citizen's luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the county home for the aged. All my people are gone. It's nice to know that someone thinks of me. God bless you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady.
My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, no matter how often or politely I asked. The other day her radio fell and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful. She was very upset. She then asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to buzz off.
Sincerely,
Edna Johnston
Defense Lawyer's Good News
"I have good news and bad news," the defense lawyer says to his client.
"What's the bad news?"
The lawyer says, "Your blood matches the DNA found at the murder scene."
"Dammit!" cries the client. "What's the good news?"
"Well," the lawyer says, "Your cholesterol is down to 140."
The corporate boat race
An American automobile company and a Japanese auto company decided to have a competitive boat race on the Detroit River. Both teams practiced hard and long to reach their peak performance. On the big day, they were as ready as they could be.
The Japanese team won by a mile.
Afterwards, the American team became discouraged by the loss and their morale sagged. Corporate management decided that the reason for the crushing defeat had to be found. A Continuous Measurable Improvement Team of "Executives" was set up to investigate the problem and to recommend appropriate corrective action.
Their conclusion: The problem was that the Japanese team had 8 people rowing and 1 person steering, whereas the American team had 1 person rowing and 8 people steering. The American Corporate Steering Committee immediately hired a consulting firm to do a study on the management structure.
After some time and billions of dollars, the consulting firm concluded that "too many people were steering and not enough rowing." To prevent losing to the Japanese again next year, the management structure was changed to "4 Steering Managers, 3 Area Steering Managers, and 1 Staff Steering Manager" and a new performance system for the person rowing the boat to give more incentive to work harder and become a six sigma performer. "We must give him empowerment and enrichment." That ought to do it.
The next year the Japanese team won by two miles.
The American Corporation laid off the rower for poor performance, sold all of the paddles, cancelled all capital investments for new equipment, halted development of a new canoe, awarded high performance awards to the consulting firm, and distributed the money saved as bonuses to the senior executives.
ZeroCal™
This is an April Fool's joke.
Why ZeroCal™?
Australians consume an average of 1200 calories a day in excess of recommended levels*. Although recent focus in the public mind has been on the negative effects of fats, excess calories still contribute to the obesity epidemic in a major way.
How It Works
- The meals contain a large proportion of foods with negative calories (cauliflower, cucumbers, celery, garlic etc.) creating a calorie deficit.
- •Many high-calorie foods (like meat) are substituted with lower-calorie foods that are just as delicious (like seafood).
- •The remaining calories are erased through our proprietary CalBurnKnob™ technology. This is a knob on the takeaway box that's very hard to open (see picture below) – meaning you burn off the remainder just by opening the container!
Blonde Driving
A blonde was swerving all over the road and driving very badly, so she got pulled over by a cop.
The cop walked up to her window and asked, "Miss, why are you driving so recklessly?"
The blonde said, "I'm sorry sir, but wherever I go, there's always a tree in front of me and I can't seem to get away from it!"
The cop looked at her and said, "Lady, that's your air freshener!"Spel Chek
I halve a spelling checker,
It came with my pea see.
It plainly marks four my revue
Mistakes I dew knot sea.
Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait aweigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the era rite
Its rarely ever wrong.
I've scent this massage threw it,
And I'm shore your pleased too no
Its letter prefect in every weigh;
My checker tolled me sew.
Top 35 Oxymorons
35. State worker
34. Legally drunk
33. Exact estimate
32. Act naturally
31. Found missing
30. Resident alien
29. Genuine imitation
28. Airline Food
27. Good grief
26. Government organization
25. Sanitary landfill
24. Alone together
23. Small crowd
22. Business ethics
21. Soft rock
20. Butt Head
19. Military Intelligence
18. Sweet sorrow
17. Rural Metro (ambulance service)
16. "Now, then ..."
15. Passive aggression
14. Clearly misunderstood
13. Peace force
12. Extinct Life
11. Plastic glasses
10. Terribly pleased
9. Computer security
8. Political science
7. Tight slacks
6. Definite maybe
5. Pretty ugly
4. Rap music
3. Working vacation
2. Religious tolerance
1. Microsoft Works
Happy Old Man
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. “I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six!” he said.
Computer Diagnosis
One day Bill complained to his friend that his elbow really hurt. His friend suggested that he go to a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor.
''Simply put in a sample of your urine and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. It only costs $10." Bill figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause out popped a small slip of paper on which was printed: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water. Avoid heavy lifting. It will be better in two weeks."
Later that evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this machine could be fooled. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the machine, poured in the sample and deposited the $10. The computer again made the usual noise and printed out the following message:
"Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has worms. Get him vitamins. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant with twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your tennis elbow will never get better."Sensitive Beer
Three hicks were working on a telephone tower - Steve, Bruce and Jed. Steve falls off and is killed instantly.
As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Jed says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of beer.
Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Jed?"
"Steve's wife gave it to me," Jed replies.
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you beer?"
Well, not exactly", Jed says. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Steve's widow'."
She said, "No, I'm not a widow!"
And I said, "I'll bet you a case of Budweiser you are.
The Joy of Christmas Cards
A woman walks into the Post Office to buy stamps for her Christmas cards.
"What denomination?" asks the clerk.
"Oh, good heavens! Have we come to this?" said the woman. "Well, give me 50 Baptist and 50 Catholic and one Methodist."
Blonde in a Boat
There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.
The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”
The Tea Party
When I was a toddler, someone gave me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys. My father was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of tea, which was just water, of course.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.
She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"
Nuns on a Freeway
A police man is driving down the road when all of the sudden the freeway starts to get backed up. Not long after, he finds himself stuck in traffic going about 20 miles an hour. So he drives up around the traffic to see what the problem was.
When he gets to the front, he sees 3 nuns driving in a car at about 20 miles an hour. So he pulls them over and lets the traffic get by. He then asks them "Do you know the speed limit."
They answer, "Yes" and they point towards the 22 freeway sign and say "We were going 22 miles per hour.
The policeman shakes his head and says, "No, that's the freeway sign... the speed limit sign is over there." And with that he points to the correct MPH sign.
"Ohhh..." said all of the nuns until the nun in the back starts cracking up.
"What's wrong" asks the police man...
The nun replies, "Well, you should have seen us yesterday on the 135!"
Snake's New Glasses
A old snake goes to see his Doctor.
"Doc, I need something for my eyes...can't see well these days." The Doc fixes him up with a pair of glasses and tells him to return in 2 weeks.
The snake comes back in 2 weeks and tells the doctor he's very depressed.
Doc says, "What's the problem...didn't the glasses help you?"
"The glasses are fine doc, I just discovered I've been living with a water hose the past 2 years!"
Farm Humor
Did you hear about the farmer you ploughed his field with a steamroller?
He wanted to grow mash potatoes!
What did the neurotic pig say to the farmer?
You take me for grunted.
When is a farmer like a magician?
When he turns his cow to pasture.
Why did the farmer call his pig "Ink"?
Because it was always running out of the pen.
What do you call cattle with a sense of humor?
Laughing stock.
Why can't the bankrupt cowboy complain?
He has got no beef.
Selling Bibles
While checking the church storeroom, the pastor discovered several cases of new Bibles that never had been opened and distributed. So at his Sunday sermon, he asked for three volunteers from the congregation who would be willing to sell the Bibles door-to-door for $10 each to raise money for the church. Jack, Paul, and Louie all raised their hands to volunteer for the task.
The minister knew that Jack and Paul earned their living as salesmen and were likely capable of selling some Bibles. But he had serious doubts about Louie, a local farmer who always had kept to himself because he was embarrassed by his speech impediment. Poor Louie stuttered badly. But because he didn't want to discourage Louie, the minister decided to let him try anyway.
He sent the three of them away with the backseats of their cars stacked with Bibles. He asked them to meet with him and report the results of their efforts the following Sunday.
Anxious to find out how successful they were, the minister immediately asked Jack, "Well, Jack, how did you make out selling our Bibles last week?" Proudly handing the reverend an envelope, Jack replied, "Using my sales prowess, I was able to sell 20 Bibles, and here's the $200 I collected on behalf of the church."
"Fine job, Jack!" the minister said, vigorously shaking his hand. "You are indeed a fine salesman and the church is indebted to you."
Turning to Paul, he said, "And Paul, how many Bibles did you sell for the church last week?"
Paul, smiling and sticking out his chest, confidently replied, "I am a professional salesman. I sold 28 Bibles on behalf of the church, and here's the $280 I collected."
The minister responded, "That's absolutely splendid, Paul. You are truly a professional salesman and the church is also indebted to you."
Apprehensively, the minister turned to Louie and said, "And Louie, did you manage to sell any Bibles last week?" Louie silently offered the minister a large envelope. The minister opened it and counted the contents. "Louie, there's $3,200 in here! Are you suggesting that you sold 320 Bibles for the church, door-to-door, in just one week?" Louie just nodded.
"That's impossible!" both Jack and Paul said in unison. "We are professional salesmen, yet you claim to have sold 10 times as many Bibles as we could."
"Yes, this does seem unlikely," the minister agreed. "I think you'd better explain how you managed to accomplish this, Louie."
Louie shrugged. "I-I-I re-re-re-really do-do-do-don't kn-kn-kn-know f-f-f-for sh-sh-sh-sure," he stammered. "A-a-a-all I-I-I s-s-s-said wa-wa-wa-was 'W-w-w-w-would y-y-y-you l-l-l-like t-t-t-to b-b-b-buy th-th-th-this b-b-b-Bible f-f-f-for t-t-t-ten b-b-b-bucks o-o-o-or wo-wo-wo-would yo-yo-yo-you j-j-j-just l-l-l-like m-m-m-me t-t-t-to st-st-st-stand h-h-h-here and r-r-r-read it t-t-t-to y-y-y-you?'"
The Rude Customer
An award should go to the Virgin Airlines gate attendant in Sydney some months ago for being smart and funny, while making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.
A crowded Virgin flight was cancelled after Virgin's 767s had been withdrawn from service. A single attendant was re-booking a long line of inconvenienced travellers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it HAS to be FIRST CLASS".
The attendant replied, "I'm sorry, sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these people first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?"
Without hesitating, the attendant smiled and grabbed her public address microphone: "May I have your attention please, may I have your attention please," she began - her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14."
With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the Virgin attendant, gritted his teeth and said, "Buzz Off!"
Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that too."
Give and Take
A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, "I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss."
The man agrees and makes his first wish: "I want lots of money." Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.
Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.
Finally the genie says, "You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully."
The man says, "Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney."
Might as Well Go Fishing
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to one of those big "everything under one roof" stores looking for a job. The manager asked, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid said, "Sure, I was a salesman back home in Texas."
The boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I’ll come down after we close and see how you did."
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down to see how things went.
"How many sales did you make today?"
The young man replied without hesitating, "One."
The boss said, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid said, "$101,237.64."
The boss said, "$101,237.64?! What the hell did you sell?!"
the kid said, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin-engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn’t think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4x4 Blazer."
Amazed, the boss said, "A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and a truck?"
"No, he came here to buy a box of necessaries for his wife and I said, 'Well, your weekend’s shot, you might as well go fishing.'"
A Reflective Picture
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old codger decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the city’s stores, he picked up a mirror and looked in it. Not knowing what it was, he remarked, “How about that! Here’s a picture of my daddy.”
He bought the “picture,” but on the way home remembered that his wife, Lizzy, didn’t much like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
The man’s many trips to the barn began to draw Lizzy’s suspicion. One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror. As she looked into the glass, she fumed, “So that’s the ugly so-and-so he’s runnin’ around with.”
Clinton one-liner
Bill: ``Honey, we won!''
Hillary: ``Honestly?!''
Bill: ``Let's not bring that up...''
Where are you from?
When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."
The man groaned but didn't budge.
The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."
Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.
Finally, they summoned the police.
The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"
"Sam," the man moaned.
"Where ya from, Sam?"
With pain in his voice Sam replied "... the balcony."
Who owns the cows?
The first client the next morning was a tenant farmer--a rough man with calloused hands who was dressed in workman�s clothing. He said,
"Mr. Lawyer, I work for the Gonzales farm on the east side of town. For many years I have tended their crops and animals, including some cows. I have raised the cows, fed them and looked after them. And I was always given the understanding and the belief that I was the owner of these cows. Now Mr. Gonzales has died and his son has inherited the farm. He believes that since the cows were raised on his land and ate his hay, the cows are his. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
The next client to come in, a young and well-dressed young man, was obviously a landowner. He said, "My name is Gonzales and I own a farm on the east side of town. We have a tenant farmer who has worked for my family for many years, tending crops and the animals, including some cows. I believe the cows belong to me because they were raised on my land and were fed my hay. But the tenant farmer believes they are his because he raised them and cared for them. In short, we are in dispute over who owns the cows."
The lawyer said, "Thank you. I have heard enough. I will take your case. Don't worry about the cows!"
After the client left, the lawyer�s son could not help but express his concern. "Father, I know very little about the law, but it seems we have a very serious problem concernng these cows."
"Don�t worry about the cows!" the lawyer said. "The cows will be ours!"
Rowing Your Boat
The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"
To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."
Blonde Car Accident
The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.
He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.
Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.
The blonde started laughing.
This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.
This time the blonde laughed even harder.
Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.
The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.
The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"
Are You Really Sure?
In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."
Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"
The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
I Want to Buy That
The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.
The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.
Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.
Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.
To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.
The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"
The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"
Question and answer blonde joke
A: So she could keep the refrigerator cold.
Recruiting any and all pilots
As he and his staff were standing near a brand new F-15 Fighter, a pair of twin brothers who looked like they had just stepped off a Marine Corps recruiting poster walked up to them. The chief of staff walked up to them, stuck out his hand and introduced himself.
He looked at the first young man and asked, "Son, what skills can you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man looks at him and says, "I'm a pilot!"
The general gets all excited, turns to his aide and says, "Get him in today, all the paper work done, everything, do it!"
The aide hustles the young man off. The general looks at the second young man and asked, "What skills to you bring to the Air Force?"
The young man says, "I chop wood!"
"Son," the general replies, "we don't need wood choppers in the Air Force, what do you know how to do?"
"I chop wood!"
"Young man," huffs the general, "you are not listening to me, we don't need wood choppers, this is the 20th century!"
"Well," the young man says, "you hired my brother!"
"Of course we did," says the general, "he's a pilot!"
The young man rolls his eyes and says, "So what! I have to chop it before he can pile it!"
Signs and notices
Sign on a repair shop door: WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (PLEASE KNOCK HARD ON THE DOOR - THE BELL DOESN'T WORK)
Sign at Norfolk farm gate: BEWARE! I SHOOT EVERY TENTH TRESPASSER AND THE NINTH ONE HAS JUST LEFT
Seen during a conference: FOR ANYONE WHO HAS CHILDREN AND DOESN'T KNOW IT, THERE IS A DAY CARE ON THE FIRST FLOOR
Outside a photographer's studio: OUT TO LUNCH: IF NOT BACK BY FIVE,OUT FOR DINNER ALSO
Spotted in a safari park: ELEPHANTS PLEASE STAY IN YOUR CAR
Bad Japanese economy
Following last week's news that Origami Bank had folded, we are hearing that Sumo Bank has gone belly up, and Bonsai Bank plans to cut back some of its branches. Karaoke Bank is up for sale, and it is (you guessed it!) going for a song.
Meanwhile, shares in Kamikaze Bank have nose-dived, and 500 back-office staff at Karate Bank got the chop. Analysts report that there is something fishy going on at Sushi Bank, and staff there fear they may get a raw deal.
Business one-liners 10
An executive will always return to work from lunch early if no one takes him.
An error in the premise will appear in the conclusion.
An object at rest will always be in the wrong place.
An object in motion will always be headed in the wrong direction.
An original idea can never emerge from committee in its original form.
An ounce of application is worth a ton of abstraction.
An ounce of pretension is worth a pound of manure.
An ounce of rejection is worse than a pound of "sure".
Any argument carried far enough will end up in semantics.
Business one-liners 09
All work and no play, will make you a manager.
Almost everything in life is easier to get into than to get out of.
Always hire a rich attorney.
Always leave room to add an explanation if it doesn't work out.
Always listen to experts. They'll tell what can't be done and why. Then do it.
Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn!
Always try to stop talking before people stop listening.
Am I good at delegating? You Bet! I always find someone to blame!
Ambiguity is invariant.
Business one-liners 08
All inanimate objects can move just enough to get in your way.
All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them. - Walt Disney
All probabilities are really 50%. Either a thing will happen or it won't.
All rights left. All lefts reserved. All reserves removed. All removes right.
All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.
All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
All things being equal, all things are never equal.
All things being equal, fat people use more soap.
All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.
Business one-liners 07
After any unit has been completely assembled, extra components will be found on the bench.
Afternoon: that part of the day we spend worrying about how we wasted the morning.
Aiming for the least common denominator sometimes causes division by zero.
All American cars are basically Chevrolets.
All general statements are false; think about it.
All generalizations are false, including this one.
All generalizations are useless, including this one.
All good things must come to an end, I just want to know when they start!
All great discoveries are made by mistake.
Business one-liners 06
A theory is better than its explanation.
A transistor protected by a fast-acting fuse will protect the fuse by blowing first.
A well-adjusted person is one who makes the same mistake twice without getting nervous.
Ability is a good thing but stability is even better.
Ability is like a check, it has no value unless it is cashed.
Absolutum obsoletum. (If it works, it is out of date.) - Stafford Beer
According to my calculations, the problem doesn't exist.
According to the official figures, 43% of all statistics are totally worthless.
Adding manpower to a late software product makes it later.
Business one-liners 05
A pat on the back is only a few inches from a kick in the pants.
A pipe gives a wise man time to think and a fool something to put in his mouth.
A penny saved has not been spent.
A penny saved is an economic breakthrough.
A penny saved is ridiculous.
A problem cannot be solved using the same level of thinking that created it. (In other words, if you screw it up, you can't fix it.)
A real person has two reasons for doing anything...a good reason and the real reason.
A short cut is the longest distance between two points.
A short line outside a building becomes a long line inside.
Business one-liners 04
A good scapegoat is hard to find.A good slogan can stop analysis for fifty years.
A good solution can be successfully applied to almost any problem.
A lack of leadership is no substitute for inaction.
A little ambiguity never hurt anyone.
A little humility is arrogance.
A little inaccuracy saves a world of explanation.
A little ignorance can go a long way.
A man of quality does not fear a woman seeking equality.
Business one-liners 03
A disagreeable task is its own reward.
A donkey is a horse designed by a study team.
A fail-safe circuit will destroy others.
A flying particle will seek the nearest eye.
A fool and his money are soon elected.
A fool and his money stabilize the economy.
A free agent is anything but.
A friend in need is a pest indeed.
A geophysicist is not drunk as long as he can hang onto a single blade of grass and not fall off the face of the earth.
Business one-liners 02
A committee is twelve men doing the work of one.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
A consensus means that everyone agrees to say collectively what no one believes individually. - Abba Eban
A conservative is a man who believes that nothing should be done for the first time.
A conservative is a man with two perfectly good legs who has never learned to walk. - Franklin D. Roosevelt
A consultant is an ordinary person a long way from home.
A coup that is known in advance is a coup that does not take place.
A couple of months in the lab can often save a couple of hours in the library.
A crisis is when you cannot say "let's just forget the whole thing."
Business one-liners 01
A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.
A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.
A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.
A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.
A bird in the hand is dead.
A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.
A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.
A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Emacs acronyms
EMACS: Eight Megabytes And Constantly Swapping
EMACS: Even a Master of Arts Comes Simpler
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Are Cryptic and Surreal
EMACS: Energetic Merchants Always Cultivate Sales
EMACS: Each Manual's Audience is Completely Stupified
EMACS: Emacs Means A Crappy Screen
EMACS: Eventually Munches All Computer Storage
EMACS: Even My Aunt Crashes the System
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe Alternative Civilizations Survive
EMACS: Egregious Managers Actively Court Stallman
EMACS: Esoteric Malleability Always Considered Silly
EMACS: Emacs Manuals Always Cause Senility
EMACS: Easily Maintained with the Assistance of Chemical Solutions
EMACS: Edwardian Manifestation of All Colonial Sins
EMACS: Extended Macros Are Considered Superfluous
EMACS: Every Mode Accelerates Creation of Software
EMACS: Elsewhere Maybe All Commands are Simple
EMACS: Emacs May Allow Customised Screwups
EMACS: Excellent Manuals Are Clearly Suppressed
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Embarrassed Manual-Writer Accused of Communist Subversion
EMACS: Extensibility and Modifiability Aggravate Confirmed Simpletons
EMACS: Emacs May Annihilate Command Structures
EMACS: Easily Mangles, Aborts, Crashes and Stupifies
EMACS: Extraneous Macros And Commands Stink
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Algorithm for Computer Scientists
EMACS: EMACS Makes no Allowances Considering its Stiff price
EMACS: Equine Mammals Are Considerably Smaller
EMACS: Embarrassingly Mundane Advertising Cuts Sales
EMACS: Every Moron Assumes CCA is Superior
EMACS: Exceptionally Mediocre Autocratic Control System
EMACS: EMACS May Alienate Clients and Supporters
EMACS: Excavating Mayan Architecture Comes Simpler
EMACS: Erasing Minds Allows Complete Submission
EMACS: Emacs Makers Are Crazy Sickos
EMACS: Eenie-Meenie-Miney-Mo- Macros Are Completely Slow
EMACS: Experience the Mildest Ad Campaign ever Seen
EMACS: Emacs Makefiles Annihilate C- Shells
EMACS: Eradication of Memory Accomplished with Complete Simplicity
EMACS: Emetic Macros Assault Core and Segmentation
EMACS: Epileptic MLisp Aggravates Compiler Seizures
EMACS: Evenings, Mornings, And a Couple of Saturdays
EMACS: Emacs Makes All Computing Simple
EMACS: Emacs Masquerades As Comfortable Shell
EMACS: Emacs: My Alternative Computer Story
EMACS: Emacs Made Almost Completely Screwed
EMACS: Each Mail A Continued Surprise
EMACS: Every Mode Acknowledges Customized Strokes
EMACS: Eating Memory And Cycle-Sucking
EMACS: Everyday Material Almost Compiled Successfully
EMACS: Elvis Masterminds All Computer Software
EMACS: Emacs Makes A Computer Slow
Twas the night before crisis
And all through the house,
Not a program was working,
Not even a browse.
Programmers were wrung out,
Too mindless to care,
Knowing chances of cutover
Hadn't a prayer.
The users were nestled
All snug in their beds,
While visions of inquiries
Danced in their heads.
When out in the lobby
There arose such a clatter,
That I sprang from my tube
To see what was the matter.
And what to my wondering
Eyes should appear,
But a Super Programmer,
Oblivious to fear.
More rapid than eagles,
His programs they came
And he whistled and shouted
And called them by name.
On Update! On Add!
On Inquiry! On Delete!
On Batch Jobs! On Closing!
On Functions Complete!
His eyes were glazed over,
His fingers were lean,
From weekends and nights
Spent in front of a screen.
A wink of his eye,
And a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.
He spoke not a word,
But went straight to his work,
Turning specs into code,
Then he turned with a jerk.
And laying his fingers
Upon the ENTER key,
The system came up,
And worked perfectly!
The updates updated;
The deletes they deleted;
The inquiries inquired;
And the closing completed.
He tested each whistle,
He tested each bell,
With nary an abend,
And all had gone well.
The system was finished,
The tests were concluded,
The client's last changes
Were even included!
And the client exclaimed,
With a snarl and a taunt,
"It's just what I asked for,
But it's not what I want!"
How to shoot yourself in the foot
Which language is right for you?Ada: The Department of Defense shoots you in the foot after offering you a blindfold and a last cigarrette.
BASIC (interpreted): You shoot yourself in the foot with a water pistol until your leg is waterlogged and rots off.
BASIC (compiled): You shoot yourself in the foot with a BB using a SCUD missile launcher.
C++: You create a dozen instances of yourself and shoot them all in the foot. Not knowing which feet are virtual, medical care is impossible.
COBOL: USE HANDGUN.COLT(45), AIM AT LEG.FOOT, THEN WITH ARM.HAND.FINGER ON HANDGUN.COLT(TRIGGER) PREFORM SQUEEZE, RETURN HANDGUN.COLT TO HIP.HOLSTER.
cah: After searching the manual until your foot falls asleep, you shoot the computer and switch to C.
dBASE: You buy a gun. Bullets are only available from another company and are promised to work so you buy them. Then you find out that the next version of the gun is the one that is scheduled to shoot bullets.
Fortran: You shoot yourself in each toe, interactively, until you run out of toes. You shoot the sixth bullet anyway, since no exception-processing was anticipated.
Modula-2: You perform a shooting on what might currently be a foot with what might currently be a bullet shot by what might currently be a gun.
Pascal: Same as Modula-2, except the bullet is not of the right type for the gun and your hand is blown off.
PL/1: After consuming all system resources, including bullets, the data processing department doubles its size, acquires two new mainframes, and drops the original on your foot.
Smalltalk, Actor, etc: After playing with the graphics for three weeks, the programming manager shoots you in the head.
Snobol: Grab your foot with your hand and rewrite your hand to be a bullet.
Hacker syndrome
by Tad DerisoMost computer areas, at your home or at your office, tend to be messy. Even you try to keep it clean, it is truly impossible. Whether it be empty Coke cans laying all around, soldering devices, electric diodes, computer parts, or integrated circuits, it is not only a pain for your mother to look at, but a prime Russian ICBM missile target as well.
There is much detail needed to explain a Hacker. For instance, instead of organizing his clothes by color, best ones, or style, he organizes his by pile. Also, he likes to sing songs such as, "Let's get Digital", "We all live in a yellow subroutine", and "Somewhere over the RAMbow".
Most Hackers do well in school. The reason is not to impress their teachers, not to get money from their parents, and not to be educated, but they do it so they can hopefully get a scholarship to MIT. You can't blame them, though, if they are looking out into space. It might be because they are worried if MCI traced the calls that they sent to NORAD.
All Hackers, big or small, love computers, whether they be Trash-80's or an IBM 360/VM workstation. When they get on one, it's mighty hard to get them off of it.
There are 2 types of Hackers. One who likes to crash local BBS's, and the one who writes programs in Assembly Language. The Hacker who crashes systems is the one that most people think that a Hacker is. A typical example of one is John Fredrickson (A.K.A. "The Phone Man"). He loves to crash computers, and break into illegal systems. The ones that he has gotten in to are MCI, CitiBank, school systems, IBM, Southern Bell, and Georgia Tech, not to mention all the ones in between.
The second type of Hacker is the programmer. He writes games, utilities, and anything else that he can think of. Take for example, John Harris, a freelance software writer for On-Line Software Co. John had a brainstorm one day, and decided to write Frogger for the Apple. He thought that it would take about 3 weeks to complete. He started on Frogger a week late, because of the complicated music set that he had to write. After two months, he was almost done. He decided to take a break and go to the Software Expo. He decided to take his nearly completed Frogger, and show it to the consumers at the show. He also took with him the only back-up copy, in case the main disk did not boot.
While at the fair, he was talking to the Manager about getting a booth. He had his disks with him. Then, when he got a booth reserved, he reached down to get his disks, and they were gone! All his hard work, including the MultiLevel character generator, music lines, disk subroutines, assembly routines, debugging programs, etc. All gone.
After that tragedy, John was in a deep depression. He finally started working on it again in 3 months. He completed it in 4 months and 3 days.
Part Two:
Hackers always take time off. There is always one way to notice a true Hacker. At a party, the true Hacker is the one in the corner talking about operating system security and how to get around it. At the beach, the True Hacker is the one drawing flow charts in the sand. At a football game, the true Hacker is the one comparing the football plays against a simulation printed on 11 by 14 fanfold paper.
Most Hackers work for the U.S. Government-- mainly the Department of Defense. You can see the best Hackers at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in California.
What sort of environment does a Hacker function best in? No, not a heated room with a clean table and disks organized neatly, but they do best in rooms that have line-printed Snoopy calendars from the year 1969. They do not know how to cook, so they survive on Twinkies and coffee. Instead of wasting electricity for a heater, they spend it on air-conditioners to cool of their computer system in mid-January when the temperatures are below freezing. They wear layers and layers of clothing to keep the body heat in. When you see one of these people, instead of a Hacker coming into your mind, you think that he is about to go on a Polar expedition somewhere in the North Pole.
Hackers also like to hang around arcades. (This is also true for kids, little old ladies, and fighter pilots.) There, secluded in their
own environment, Hackers can talk freely on computer hints and short cuts while playing Pac-Man, or Joust.
All Hackers like Graphics. They like low-resolution, but prefer high-resolution the best. These graphics, such as Sine waves, rotating 3-D boxes, and little balloons, are confined to the limits of a systems capability. The older more experienced Hackers are the ones who are lucky enough to get to work on a VAX system, and maybe even a CRAY-1 SuperComputer. If they use these, they have only the limits of their imagination to stop them.
Most Middle School Hackers between the ages of 10 through 14, like to use computers to do reports on, and play games. Some of these younger generation Hackers have gotten into BASIC programming.
Some people, like to impress real Hackers by making them think that they know everything. There is a name for this kind of person. He is a Sub-Hacker (Intillectuous dumbfoundeth). For instance, you come up to them one day, and say,"Hey so-and-so what does BASIC stand for?" and you could sit there for days, and he would act like the answer was on the tip of his tongue, when it was probably in his toes. It is people like this that give Hackers a bad name.
Part Three:
All Hackers have rules that they go by. One is to never call long distance on Monday, because of the high phone charge. If builders built buildings they way programmers wrote programs, the first woodpecker that comes along would destroy civilization. Another is, if the computer accepts a program on the first run without any errors, either there is a malfunction, or it must be a dream.
Hackers are a unique breed. Combining intelligence, personality, and a morale sense of good taste. A Hacker enjoys the environment that appeals to him the most. Such as, the computer room, the arcade, science lab, or the Atari downstairs. They like to be alone. Secluded in their own thoughts, thinking of what the password could be to log on to General Electric. Hackers are the people who are going to make our future brighter, and more exciting in the field of electronics, data processing, artificial intelligence, and programming. We need to support these people in all the ways that we can, so we will be insured of a more happier future in the world of technological advancements.
Software development cycle
2. Product is tested. 20 bugs are found.
3. Programmer fixes 10 of the bugs and explains to the testing department that the other 10 aren't really bugs.
4. Testing department finds that five of the fixes didn't work and discovers 15 new bugs.
5. Repeat three times steps 3 and 4.
6. Due to marketing pressure and an extremely premature product announcement based on overly-optimistic programming schedule, the product is released.
7. Users find 137 new bugs.
8. Original programmer, having cashed his royalty check, is nowhere to be found.
9. Newly-assembled programming team fixes almost all of the 137 bugs, but introduce 456 new ones.
10. Original programmer sends underpaid testing department a postcard from Fiji. Entire testing department quits.
11. Company is bought in a hostile takeover by competitor using profits from their latest release, which had 783 bugs.
12. New CEO is brought in by board of directors. He hires a programmer to redo program from scratch.
13. Programmer produces code he believes is bug-free.
Great news for Bill Gates
Bill Clinton went in and told his staff, "I have good news and bad news for you. First the good news . . . there "is" a God. The bad news is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Boris Yeltsin went back and told his staff, "I have good news and terrible news. The first is that there "is" a God. The second is that he is destroying the Earth in 3 days."
Bill Gates went back and told his staff, "I have good news and good news. First, God thinks I am one of the three most important people in the world. Secondly, you don't have to fix the bugs in Windows 95.